An Emotionally Focused Therapist’s Take on Building Better Communication
Better communication is probably the #1 presenting issue in couples therapy and family therapy. It makes sense. Couples and families need to communicate about many things: finances and where to allocate money; in-laws and how much time to spend with family; parenting and which parenting strategies to use with the children; and last but not least…sex! Communication is important!
But one thing that people do not realize is that we are always communicating. Essentially, we can not choose not to communicate! As soon as we see the facial expression of another person, our automatic processes begin to process the data. Our brain begins to process the data within 1/100th of a millisecond! Then thanks to specialized cells in the brain called mirror neurons, our face begins to mirror what we see. Then in another 300th of a millisecond, we feel the feeling in our body and respond behaviorally. Guess what happens next? You got it, the other person sees the facial expression on our face and the cycle starts all over again!
Poor Communication Impacts Many Areas of Your Life
Can Leave You Feeling Frustrated
I can feel the feeling right now as I just think about it. You try and try and try to share what you are thinking only for it to go wrong. Your partner responds with a counter-argument and it’s like what you said wasn’t even heard. So frustrating! This is really hard when poor communication creates frustration. You try so hard to use different strategies of explaining how you feel only to get a similar response every time.
Can Leave you Feeling Misunderstood
Another pain point is when you try to communicate what you are feeling or thinking only to have your partner get the completely wrong message. You try to share that you feel like you are doing a lot of the housework and your partner hears no matter what they do, they will not be good enough for you. You weren’t trying to say that! You were only trying to let your partner see how hard it is for you to do so much and hope that your partner will want to help more.
Can leave you Thinking, “What is wrong with me?”
Multiple attempts at trying to communicate your needs can also leave you feeling like maybe you are doing it wrong. You try so many times to communicate only to seemingly send the wrong message. You start to think that maybe you don’t know how to communicate in a way that sends the correct message you want to send.
Can leave you Feeling Alone
This is the ultimate pain. You feel frustrated, you feel misunderstood, you feel like something is wrong with you. You’ve tried so many times, so many ways. Eventually, you give up. You stop trying to get your point across. You feel like you will never be understood. You feel all alone in your relationship without your person to help you.
5 Tips for Better Communication
Okay, let’s start to build better communication. Here are five tips to keep in mind when communicating:
Slow it way down
Remember how I said the brain processes data super quick? Let’s make a first, easy step of slowing your interactions way down. Help yourself by taking a breath before responding. Breathe in slowly for five seconds and breathe out for five seconds.
Next, slow down by holding hands with your partner or family member. Holding both hands can remind you that the interaction is happening too fast and you need to slow it down.
Last, remember that you can always have a redo. If the interaction goes too fast, you can always say, “I’m sorry that my body language got away from me. Can we have a redo?” Being able to have a redo of the interaction can help your body begin to develop muscle memory so that future interactions follow the slow path instead of the fast path.
Pay Attention to your Internal Cues
Your body sends you signals when something is going wrong. Think about emotions. How do you know you are feeling sad? How do you know you are feeling frustrated? Your body sends you signals. When something goes wrong in communication your body will send you a signal. Many times this feels like a zing, like a shock. Pay attention to this! If you haven’t spent time listening to your body, now is a great time to start listening to your own body’s communication with you!
Notice How Your Face Changes
Similarly to paying attention to your internal cues, pay attention to which facial expressions show up on your face. Remember how I said your face will mirror the face of your partner or family member? Do a self-check-in frequently throughout conversations to ensure your face doesn’t show feelings like disgust, anger, annoyance. Once your face shows these emotions, your partner or family member begins to process this facial expression and the cycle just continues to go around and around.
Notice how personal beliefs impact body language
Be curious about how your own personal belief about yourself and about your partner or family member come out in your body language. A common occurrence is the eye roll. Maybe you feel like your partner is overreacting…again…and you unknowingly roll your eyes. This is something to pay attention to so that your partner does not see the eye roll and then the negative pattern begins to cycle. Think about how you see your partner and how you see yourself. Then be curious about how those beliefs come out in your communication and body language.
be open to each other’s THOUGHTS
I’m sorry if I’m the one telling you this for the first time. Your way is not the only way. I’m sorry. I know that might be hurtful and it’s true. Your way is not the only way. There are a variety of other ways of doing things or a number of ways to think about things. So be open to each other. That is the beauty of being different. Think about how boring the world would be if we were all the same. When you can accept influence from your partner or family member, you grow, your partner grows and your family grows…for the better. Approaching situations with openness and curiosity can reduce conflict and increase open communication.
Counseling Can Help With Communication
We help individuals, couples and families improve their communication every day! The therapists at JS Therapy Group know humans are not wired to be alone. We also know that bad communication leaves us feeling alone and isolated. These are the worst feelings we can feel. The current pandemic has taught us that fact!
Reach out to us now. In counseling sessions, we will help you, your partner, and/or your family find ways to overcome the poor communication patterns and instead replace them with better communication skills so that you feel confident, comfortable and connected with your loved ones. And these feelings are what we all long for!
Improve Your Communication with Counseling in Leavenworth, KS and Overland Park, KS
You don’t have to continue to struggle with communication in your relationships. We can help you get back to enjoying life and making happy memories. Our caring therapists are trained to help you with couples counseling and family counseling. To start counseling at JS Therapy Group located in Overland Park, KS, and Leavenworth, KS, follow these simple steps:
Contact JS Therapy Group and schedule a free consultation,
Meet with one of our caring therapists
Start feeling heard
Other Counseling Services at JS Therapy Group
Couple therapy is not the only service we offer in our Leavenworth, KS, and Overland Park, KS counseling centers. Other mental health services JS Therapy Group provides include anxiety treatment, therapy for children and play therapy, trauma and PTSD treatment, addictions counseling, trauma and PTSD treatment for children, premarital counseling, family therapy, depression treatment, affordable and reduced therapy, and workshops, classes, and groups. We also offer professional consultations and supervision opportunities. If you can’t make it to see one of our therapists for in-person counseling, consider online therapy in Kansas to meet your mental health needs. Contact us to get started or click on one of the links to learn more. Contact JS Therapy Group.
