3 Most Important Building Blocks for a Healthy Relationship
If we were to ask you what goes into making a healthy relationship, what would you say? A quick Google search reveals the following: curiosity, trust, communication, empathy, affection, patience, respect, and honesty…just to list a few.
Well, listen….we couldn’t disagree more!
Yes, you read that correctly.…we do not think these are the building blocks of a healthy, emotionally relationship.
The three building blocks of a secure bond are emotional accessibility, emotional responsiveness, and emotional engagement…otherwise known as “emotional A.R.E.”
When emotional A.R.E. is successfully experienced, these lead us in the direction of healthier and stronger relationships, whether with a partner, family, or even friends.
There are three basic questions that we ask our partner when questioning our connections, as you will see later.
We know this is going to take a little more explaining, so read on!
Emotionally Focused Therapy Tells Us the Problem is Emotional Disconnection
Conflict as an Error in Communication
As I hear in couples counseling with the couples I have worked with, many of us tend to define conflict as an error in our conversation skills, but this is not always (and usually isn’t) the case. Most of our clashing and conflict is actually a direct result of emotional disconnection from each other and sometimes even our own emotions.
For example, some couples might get into conflict about parenting. When we look at this though the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy, we actually see this as getting emotionally activated when the topic of parenting comes up because I might feel like my partner thinks I’m doing it wrong. That hurts! I don’t want my partner to think that about me. I want them to see that I’m good at parenting…not that I’m a bad parent.
The problem here is that we don’t typically share the emotional parts. We get defensive and or critical. Not helpful. Sigh. Emotional disconnection.
Avoidance of Sharing Emotions
Another issue tends to be the struggle that many of us face when it comes to being open with our partner. We tend to let fear and nerves get the best of us when we need to have tough conversations that we think will lead to uncertain outcomes. This can also be attributed to our attachment style.
For these reasons, expressing our emotions can be one of the most (if not the most) difficult part of any relationship.
One common example I hear all the time is that partners don’t want to share emotions because they worry it will start an argument.
Another example is that emotions weren’t talked about growing up, so emotions are hard to talk about now. But…emotions are where it’s at! When we share vulnerable emotions, and our partner shows up to comfort us, that bonds us!
Emotion happens fast
Another important point is that emotion is so fast, which results in us getting swept up so quickly in the moment that we don’t even register what is happening.
We often times react to the issue with defensiveness or becoming critical of our partner without taking the time to slow down, check in with ourselves and truly respond.
We need to consider the emotions that are getting hurt and find out what we can do to fix it…TOGETHER.
Develop Emotional A.R.E. With the Help of Our Online Couples Workshop
Okay, first of all, we need to talk about presence. The key in a relationship is emotional presence. Some people believe that as long as they are physically present, that is all that is needed. However, emotional presence is ten times that.
Okay, let’s jump into emotional A.R.E.
Emotional Accessibility: “Are you there for me?”
When people talk about emotional accessibility, the main underlying question is “are you there for me?” meaning can I access you when I have vulnerable feelings whether it be from our relationship or another relationship or interaction.
The felt sense that I can turn to my partner and having the felt sense that the are going to be there for me is what this first question refers to.
What about you? If you need emotional comfort from your partner, are they available to you?
Emotional Responsiveness: “Do I matter to you?”
When it comes to responsiveness, the question being asked is “do I matter to you?” or in other words, will your partner turn toward you in times of need. This is also asking if you and your partner will respond to each other in times of emotional discomfort and need.
For example, let’s say I had a bad interaction with my boss at work and I come home feeling terrible about myself. If I turn toward my partner and share my vulnerable feelings about being a failure and my partner pulls me closer, hugs me and tells me it makes sense, that is emotional responsiveness.
Emotional Engagement: “Will you come when I need you?”
Finally, when we talk about engagement, the easiest way to put it is “will you come when I need you?” We want our partner to be there for us when we need them, and to be accessible to us.
We want for our partner to be with us and talk with us when we are hurting. Without this engagement, we feel lonely which is salt in a wound.
If you are feeling like your relationship is struggling with these three building blocks, you are not alone. There are many couples who struggle. We are here to help. Couples counseling can help in addition to our online couples workshops.
Keep Your Relationship Bonds Strong With JS Therapy Group
Not everyone is born knowing how to be emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged. Sometimes we need help to learn this. Our caring couples counselors are here to help. Follow these easy steps to get started with couples counseling at JS Therapy Group:
First, contact us through our website.
Finally feel emotionally connected, like you matter and you are not alone.
Additional Services:
We offer a wide range of mental health services to provide support our communities in the Kansas City metro area. In addition to couples and marriage counseling, couples workshops and premarital workshops, we also offer premarital counseling, trauma and PTSD treatment for children, play therapy/ therapy for children, teen therapy, family therapy, anxiety treatment, trauma and PTSD treatment and depression treatment. If you are a mental health professional and are seeking consultation or supervision, visit our professionals page.