5 Tips for Stopping Blame from Sending You to Couples Counseling According to a Liberty, MO Therapist
You have likely seen the movie “The Break-Up” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.
The famous kitchen fighting scene shows the couple bantering back and forth about everything that the other does that upsets them. The ballet, leprechauns doing backflips, lemons, flowers…etc…they get caught up in what we like to call…the hot potato of blame.
Essentially they are blaming each other for what they did wrong. There are a lot of “you” statements" and “you don’t ever” statements. Not a lot of “I feel” statements.
After nearly five minutes of angry banter, Aniston storms out and Vaughn sits stunned on the couch after being broken up with.
Why is it important to understand and catch blame in a relationship? Read on and we’ll tell you!
Why Do We Blame Each Other?
Blame not only comes into play during arguments between couples, but with families, friends and sometimes even co-workers.
Our first natural reaction is to defend ourselves and to point fingers. This is one of the most common negative patterns for couples to fall into. In our couples retreat, we call this “Find the Bad Guy.”
We are all trained to compete with each other, which makes it difficult for couples. It seems like someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Someone has to win, someone has to lose. When something goes wrong, we tend point the finger toward someone else and make them into “the bad guy.”
The Painful Impacts of Blame on Relationships in the Kansas City Area
Negative Views of Self:
Many times, both partners in a couple feel that nothing they do is right or good enough for the other. Some examples of this are always feeling alone, always feeling stuck, and always feeling like you will never achieve your dream relationship.
These feelings reflect the common fear of losing our partners, but also show the anger and resentment that we can sometimes feel towards them as well.
Lack of Emotional Safety
When we argue with our partners, it can often feel like a game of hot potato of blame, and the blame is tossed around again and again until we feel almost sick. This chips away at the foundation of our relationships, until they feel unstable.
This can make even harder to be emotionally vulnerable with each other. And…this also affects how we perform in the bedroom!
Reinforce Fight or Flight:
These things happen when we go into fight or flight. As mammals, when we sense a threat, we are wired to put up a flight, flee, freeze or fawn.
This response is mediated by the brain stem and the amygdala. The amygdala is constantly scanning for threats or danger, and sets off an alarm in the brain when these are detected. This alarm spreads messages through the body that trigger our fight or flight behavior.
This threat detection system was most useful thousands of years ago, when we did not live in civilizations. The system could mean the difference between life and death in the jungle or desert.
We are built to see situations as demanding; an answer as to what to do has to be found instantly. We act on our first reaction, which in turn causes issues when verbally fighting.
Preventative Measures to Keep You Out of Couples Therapy in Our Liberty, MO, Leavenworth, KS and Overland Park, KS Offices
There are a few different ways to navigate blame in a way that benefits both parties in a relationship. If you still struggle, consider seeing one of our Emotionally Focused Therapy counselors.
Avoid Getting Caught in the Content Tube
We need to steer away from the content; all of the physical details and obvious happenings in the relationship, and go towards the process. For example, getting caught up in who said what and when or getting caught up in the order that something happened. This is all content that you and your partner might not ever agree about.
Instead, focus on the process. The process contains all of the unsaid communication; the patterns that we get caught up in and the attachment longings that we don’t usually share with each other. For example, notice the pattern of behaviors you and your partner get caught up in.
Fill in the blank: the more I ___________, the more you ____________. As an example, the more I get critical and shout, the more you shutdown and back away. The more you shut down and back away, the more I get critical and shout.
Pay attention to non-verbal cues, like tone of voice, facial expressions, body language. Identify the tone of voice you hear that sends you into that place of pain and longing for connection.
Slow Down Your Conversation
Be sure to slow down and stop pointing fingers. “Find the bad guy” takes on a life of its own and becomes a vicious cycle….and fast! So slow down. Try to take several breathes if needed.
Slowing down also allows your thinking brain to catch up to your nervous system. When you slow down, you can think about what you want to say and be intentional about the message that you send to your partner.
Choose to Lose the Debate
Stop trying so hard to win something that can’t possibly be won. You don’t always have to get the last word in. Stop trying so hard to be the one talking and slow down to listen. There does not have to be a winner and a loser. Both of you can be right, and both can be wrong.
Begin Emotionally Focused Therapy with One of Our Marriage Counselors
It can be so hard when you and your partner both want to get heard. Sometimes it might feel like you need someone to help you figure out how to talk to each other so you don’t, accidentally or even on purpose, blame each other. Our caring couples counselors are here to help. Follow these easy steps to get started with couples counseling at JS Therapy Group:
First, contact us through our website.
Lastly it’s time to begin feeling heard and understood without blaming each other.
Additional Counseling Services Offered at JS Therapy Group
At JS Therapy Group, there is a wide range of mental health services that we provide to support our communities in the Kansas City metro area. In addition to couples and marriage counseling, we also offer premarital counseling, trauma and PTSD treatment for children, play therapy/ therapy for children, teen therapy, family therapy, anxiety treatment, trauma and PTSD treatment and depression treatment. If you want to work on your relationship but are not ready for counseling services or have a schedule that does not allow for regular appointments, we also offer couples workshops and premarital workshops.