How Your Own Childhood Can Help With Parenting Your Teen
Let's talk a little bit about relationships. Have you ever gotten into an argument with your partner or teen and thought, "that escalated so fast"? Or maybe you and your partner or you and your teen get caught up in the cycle of yelling and pulling away from each other. That would be the work of your working models and attachment behavioral system.
~~WORKING MODELS~~
Through interactions with parents, close friends, and intimate partners, our brain stores patterns of interaction. Our brain uses these mental representations to help keep us safe automatically. These sets of expectations are called working models.
There are two aspects of these working models.
First,
These mental representations help predict the outcomes of interactions. For example, if your father came home from work angry, you probably learned that was not the best time to ask for something.
Second,
The "working model" implies that the set of exceptions is changeable. So if your father came home from work angry but saw your face which communicated you needed help, and he softened, your working model would change to "I can rely on Dad."
There are two types of working models.
First, a working model of others is a mental representation of your attachment figure's response. Will your parent, close friend, or intimate partner quickly change the subject when you begin to talk about your emotions? Or will he or she show up and provide comfort?
Second, a working model of self is a mental representation of one's worth and value. Going with the example of the angry father, you may feel and believe you are not good enough or lovable when your father comes home angry.
~~THE ATTACHMENT BEHAVIORAL SYSTEM~~
I am constantly amazed by the brain's processes over time to keep us alive and safe. Behavioral systems are one of those processes that have transformed over time. Let's talk more about the attachment behavioral system.
First, there is a biological aspect to the attachment behavioral system.
To keep us alive! This is wired in even before birth. No one teaches an infant to cry when hungry. Are you rocking what I'm rolling?
Second, the attachment behavioral system is activated when a threat to survival is perceived in the environment.
These threats can include separation from attachment figures (i.e., parent, partner, friend, etc.), lack of access to the attachment figure, and other perceived threats.
Third, proximity seeking is the primary strategy for obtaining safety in the attachment behavioral system.
When a person needs protection, the brain is wired to want to be close to their loved ones and others who can protect them.
Fourth, the system's goal is to establish a sense of protection or security.
This is also called "felt security" When protection is obtained, the system turns off.
Fifth, the attachment contains a cognitive layer.
Based on past experiences, the brain has created a prediction process of how any particular interaction will occur. These are organized into working models (there they are again!).
Lastly, the attachment behavioral system impacts other behavioral systems.
We can utilize other behavioral systems only when a sense of felt security has been established. When we feel safe, we can engage in exploration and other activities.
So, there you have it! This is all automatic. We do not choose to respond in these ways. You might be wondering, am I stuck with these reactions? No, the key is to be aware of our strategies to keep in proximity with our loved ones. When we learn and understand ourselves, we can improve the interaction in our relationships.
Hope you found this helpful! See you next time!
Begin Working With A Therapist in Overland Park, KS!
Your family doesn’t have to continue to live under the umbrella of conflict. We can help you get back to enjoying life and making happy memories. Our caring therapists specialize in working with families. To start counseling in Overland Park, KS, and Leavenworth, KS, follow these simple steps:
Complete the form below to contact JS Therapy Group.
Meet with one of our caring therapists
Start feeling connected to your loved ones again!
Other Counseling Services at JS Therapy Group
Individual relationship therapy is not our only service in our Leavenworth and Overland Park counseling centers. Other mental health services JS Therapy Group provides include anxiety treatment, therapy for children and play therapy, trauma and PTSD treatment, addictions counseling, trauma and PTSD treatment for children, couple and marriage counseling and premarital counseling. We also offer professional consultations and supervision opportunities. If you can’t make it to see one of our therapists for in-person counseling, consider online therapy in Kansas to meet your mental health needs. Contact us to get started or click on one of the links to learn more.
Jessica Schroeder is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and Registered Play Therapist in private practice in historic downtown Leavenworth, Kansas. Jessica specializes in Couples Therapy and Trauma with adults and children.
www.jstherapygroup.com
