Here is a Method that is Helping Couples Stop the Arguing!
I’d like to talk to you about something every single couple needs to know. It's called proactive loving and it’s something I talk about in online couples therapy in Kansas. Let me tell you about it.
First of all, if you went through my free course, 5 Simple Strategies to Get Emotionally Closer to Your Partner, you may remember me talking about negative patterns and automatic reactions. If you haven't been through the course, please do! The link is above.
Here is what we know…
Our brains are wired to have automatic responses when the brain senses danger. Keep in mind, that the old brain believes we are in danger when we are alone. Back in the day, being alone meant certain death. The brain learned this but hasn't been able to unlearn this over several tens of thousands of years.
So, when we sense disconnection from the person or people who matter the most, our brain goes into action to get that connection back.
The strategies the brain uses are not always the best strategies.
Sometimes we end up criticizing. After all, negative attention is better than no attention. Sometimes we back away. After all, the state of the relationship is bad now but if this argument keeps going, it could get worse! We don't want that to happen!
When we use proactive loving, we are choosing to not engage in these destructive patterns of interaction and instead choose to co-create the healthy, connecting relationship of our dreams.
In Couples Counseling, We Work on Identifying These Patterns
If we are going to be able to use proactive loving, we must be able to catch these patterns and not let them happen. This means talking to our partner about these patterns and identifying each other's moves.
How Do We Do This in Online Couples Therapy in Kansas?
This means naming the pattern in order to (1) create a language for you and your partner to use to identify the negative pattern; and (2) externalize the pattern and make it the enemy, not your partner.
Life would be glorious if we could catch this pattern every single time, but let's be realistic! Not going to happen. To learn about the long-term impacts of negative patterns, click here.
For this reason, we must make repair a priority in the relationship. If you start a pattern, own it! Say you are sorry. And please, please, please do not follow up with a 'but you. Own your part and don't point out what you think your partner did wrong. That's not repaired.
Ready to Get Support in Couples Counseling in Kansas?
If you can do these two things, catch the pattern and repair...you will be practicing proactive loving. I know you can do it! Additionally, If you need some help with figuring out these patterns, our couples therapists would be honored to support you. JS therapy in Kansas also offers to Hold Me Tight Workshops and Marriage Retreats and Building a Lasting Connection Classes. If you’re interested in being a part of this, be sure to check out our next couples workshop. It's the best couples workshop I have found. Check it out!
Other Services Offered at JS Therapy
Classes, workshops, and groups are not the only service we offer in our Leavenworth, KS and Overland Park, KS counseling centers. Other mental health services JS Therapy Group provides include anxiety treatment, therapy for children and play therapy, trauma and PTSD treatment, addictions counseling, trauma and PTSD treatment for children, couple and marriage counseling and premarital counseling, family therapy, depression treatment, and affordable and reduced therapy. We also offer professional consultations and supervision opportunities. If you can’t make it to see one of our therapists for in-person counseling, consider online therapy in Kansas to meet your mental health needs. Contact us to get started or click on one of the links to learn more.
