Why Learning Communication Skills Does Not Work!
Earlier this week, a colleague and I hopped onto social media and talked about a topic that comes up ALL. THE. TIME. in my office.
The Topic: Communication Skills
Maybe you can relate.
Sometimes it might seem like no matter what you say, it is the wrong thing. Or maybe it might seem like no matter what you say, you can't get through to your partner.
Well, we talk about some of these struggles.
If we were to ask you what goes into making a healthy relationship, what would you say? A quick Google search reveals the following: curiosity, trust, communication, empathy, affection, patience, respect, and honesty…just to list a few.
Well, listen….we couldn’t disagree more!
Why do we blame?
Many of you have likely seen “The Break-Up” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. The famous fighting scene shows the couple bantering back and forth about everything that the other does that upsets them, specifically things that aren’t brought up when they are seen.
Fifty percent of initial marriages, sixty- seven of the next, and a massive seventy three percent of third marriages fail. These are all extremely high numbers when we are talking about the massive commitment that relationships (especially when it gets to the marriage stage) are.
We all want our relationships to be successful, and tell ourselves that we will never go as far as divorce.
Congratulations! You’re engaged, and you couldn’t be happier. Everything is going just as you hoped and dreamed that it would.
There is so much to do and even more to plan for the big day, which is taking way too long to arrive.
All of you and your partner’s focus is going towards details, details, details. Everything has to be absolutely perfect when that long awaited day finally arrives, with nothing to mess it up!
However, in all of this hustle and bustle, couples tend to overlook the most important aspect of all; their own relationship with each other.
From time to time, I couples who see some small improvements in their relationship and decide to quit counseling right after, thinking that they have accomplished the goals that they came to achieve. They feel like they are communicating better or listening to each other better.
Makes sense that some people would want to discontinue marriage counseling or couples counseling. But….it’s important to be aware that this is still too early to graduate from therapy.
Therapists often try to warn couples that despite seeing small changes (and things being a little bit better) that continuation is necessary to make the new habits and practices truly stick.
If you’ve seen our blogs in the past, you may have already read about what EMDR is and some of its benefits.
As a reminder, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is an evidenced based practice for PTSD and trauma treatment.
In this blog, we will take a look at some of the possible scenarios and populations that could be benefitted by using EMDR.
LGBTQ+ History Month is a celebration (lasting the month of October) of the history of the LGBTQ+ community (pretty self explanatory name). It celebrates how important rights movements were to the progression of acceptance and equality of all lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people in society, and how far along with gaining rights the community has come.
Just the other day, I was speaking with a friend of mine about how difficult it is to find a good therapist that takes their insurance and has openings in the near future. This is an issue for many people who are seeking out counseling, and in many cases, discourages them from looking any further.
Therapy classes, workshops, and groups are extremely beneficial and effective. However…
The first thing that comes out of people’s mouths immediately after they learn about the hows and whys of EFT is simple: “More people should know about this!”
With this article, we want to spread the word about how Emotionally Focused Therapy works.
So many misconceptions are thrown around about what depression is and why we experience the symptoms.
Depression is so much more than just the feelings of sadness (and other similar emotions). It is a complex brain condition that is difficult for even scientists to understand.
On September 26, one of the most underrated holidays is celebrated: Love Note Day. As the name indicates, it includes sending love letters (a little more on the corny side) to your significant other and showing your affection in many different ways. Whether this means a short and simple note or a long and heartfelt letter, it is always nice to feel like you are appreciated and loved.
So much is accomplished through the internet nowadays (just about everything)- maybe even more than occurs in person. Whether we are ready for it or not, online therapy is here; and it is definitely here for the long haul.
Many people believe that if they simply communicate better in a relationship, then the relationship will automatically improve as well. However, this is not entirely true. Others say that you need specific communication skills for a healthy relationship.
This problem with communication is not an acquisition issue, rather, it is an access issue. In other words, developing communication skills isn’t what is needed in the situation. One must simply use the ability to communicate effectively, which is already owned.
But when you are in a fight or disagreement with your partner, you likely are not in your prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for more complex actions (like planning and forethought).
A few weeks ago my family and I went on a family vacation. We had a great time and I remembered a valuable lesson.
Let's talk a little bit about relationships. Have you ever gotten into an argument with your partner or even your teen and then afterward thought to yourself, "that escalated so fast"? Or maybe you and your partner or you and your teen get caught up in the cycle of yelling and pulling away from each other. That would be the work of your working models and your attachment behavioral system.
It is extremely important for you to know and understand your attachment style because it supplies you with insight into why you respond the way you do to perceived emotional disengagement. Now, that sure is a mouthful isn’t it? However, it’s quite easy to understand and catch on to.
We as parents always do what we think is best for our children. Sometimes, however, what we think is best for them may not always be the right parenting decision. Our decisions can backfire on us, making us see our kids as impossible and frustrating. We can’t help that we can’t always make the right choices for our kids.
However….
Not many people really slow down to stop and think about why they do what they do. We do so many things every single day without ever thinking about the why behind it. Even seemingly meaningless tasks can have a deeper meaning, if we only stopped to think.
There are a number of reasons for which we are writing this blog. Unfortunately, not many people are aware that there are available therapy services that are affordable and fit their budget.
For some people, an affordable option is a must have because they either don’t have insurance or simply can’t cover the seemingly outrageous costs of therapy treatment.
Others have extremely high deductibles that they just don’t have the means to pay.
Do any of these situations apply to you? What about someone that you know and love?
If that is the case, our affordable counseling option might be perfect for you!
This helps make sure that you don’t blow out your bank account simply because you need help. Everyone should be able to seek help when they need it, no matter the amount of money in their bank account.
Have you ever noticed how sometimes you get caught up in the same kinds of relationships? Maybe it’s with a person who might be called “needy.” Or maybe it’s with a person who ends up ghosting you.
All relationships, whether they end well or badly, offer valuable life lessons. We can learn from the mistakes that we made and continue the habits that made the relationship run smoothly.
Many people believe that for a healthy lasting relationship, the only essential is basic communication skills.
However, if you and your partner want a lasting change for the better, more effort is needed.
To do this, we need a second order change, or a change to our emotional foundation. This changes our mental and emotional domains.
You and your partner are in an okay place, but you’d like to connect just a bit more. Since therapy doesn’t seem to be needed, you think a couples retreat would be just the thing. Except….your partner wont’ go!
So pop quiz, hotshot…you want to learn more about relationships but your partner won’t go. What do you do? What do you do? (See what we did there!)
You may believe the common misconception that couples workshops are only for couples to attend. However, this is the complete opposite of the truth. One partner can attend a workshop! In addition, there are benefits to single people attending a couples workshop as well. So you don’t even need to be in a relationship to attend.
You may be contemplating the idea of attending one of our workshops. Additionally, you may be hesitant or nervous to attend because you are unsure of what the workshop will be like or not knowing what to expect.
However, these workshops and classes often times have a positive impact and provide great value to those who attend them. It is also a good opportunity for you and your loved ones to meet with others who have similar struggles and experiences.
Now, you may be wondering: What is the idea behind these Hold Me Tight® workshops that I see all over this website?
These workshops are designed to help couples of all stages of relationship reach desired attachment and emotional accessibility. Additionally, the program helps both partners become more emotionally responsive and engaging with each other. This means that you can make the most of your time together as a couple.
When traumatic events happen to a child, it can be difficult for educators, administrators, parents, and other family members to know how to help them understand and work through what has happened.
As caring adults, our minds fill up with so many questions about how we can help the child while managing our own reactions that everything can suddenly become overwhelming, making things feel out of our control adding to the problem.
Many parents wonder why they find it so difficult to communicate with their teenagers, or why their teens do not come to them with their problems. You may have experienced this in your own home, which is why the relationship that you have with your teen may be becoming strained. This is likely making you feel extremely frustrated toward the teen in your life, but remember that your teen has their own feelings that they need to work through. There is a high probability that they are just as frustrated as you are with the situation. For this reason, it is crucial that you make an active effort to listen to what they have to say.
Ugh! Anxiety! It impacts massive numbers of people each and every day, who feel it as a result of many different causes.
In many situations, people feel the effects of anxiety, but do not realize that the main root cause is much more common than one might originally think. This cause is really quite simple, and you may find yourself immersed in it without even taking any time to think deeper about it and how to cope.
The origin for many cases of anxiety is simply worry.
If you are like most families today.. you are probably spending a lot of additional time together because of the changes brought on by the Covid-19 pandemic. Now wouldn’t it be amazing if all the time spent together was peaches and cream?!?! I know I would love that!
Unfortunately, this added time together for some families has caused more tension, arguments, and negativity. You wonder if you will ever get through a day without a fight. You wonder how to get your kids to listen and do what they are told to do. You wonder how to get your teen to talk to you! To make matters even worse…now there is an additional barrier because it may not feel safe to find a therapist in person.
2020 was a rough year for everyone, including children. You may have noticed changes in your child over the course of the year that make you wonder if she is coping well with the stresses of the pandemic.
Your once happy, go with the flow child, is now not so happy and unexpected changes can send him spiraling into a fit.
You wonder if you should seek out counseling for your child. You know what to expect counseling to look like for an adult.
But what does counseling look like for your 3-5-9 year old?
Do you ever feel like you are in a constant loop with your partner trying to get them to see they are the one to blame? Or maybe it is that one fight that you just keep coming back to?
The Hold Me Tight® Workshop is a program developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and aims to teach you and your partner how to get out of those terrible loops that just keep happening. No more waiting for your partner to notice you, no more hoping to be seen.